Òh wow, a blog option..

Whilst exploring this newly created platform, i suddenly spotted a button inviting me to write down my thoughts for others to read, which is something i’ve never thought i ever would do.. For who would like to read it? 

Yet.. something draws me to write these words now.. Is it the possibility of showing something of myself to like minded people? Are there things inside me that always wanted to be expressed, but never could for fear of judgement? Could i now share my heart and thoughts truly, for other beings of light to see? YES, lets play.. 

Now what to write about? I could write about my adventures, and inner processes, here in Portugal. I could write about my studies into permaculture, and the inspiring idea’s it is bringing forth. I could write about to process of busting through my own ego bullshit, and opening into the light of my/our own being. I could go on and on about why the Anastasia books resonate so much with me, as a path for personal and collective evolution. I could write about the fears i experience in this human experience.. The loneliness i sometimes feel, the need for love.. How to choose, what to express? 

I suppose al stories begin with: “Once upon a time..” .. Even though i’ve been incredibly lucky to have been born into a family with “conscious” or “spiritual” parents (or cursed with, depending on your perspective :’)), i had to go my own path for a while, which led me to a dark place. Emotions where not something we had learned to deal with properly in my family, so just like my younger brother, and sisters, i blocked and pushed away all negative feelings. Doing so made life quite empty, for when you block pain, you block joy too. This emptiness needed to be filled, and i went looking for meaning wherever i could, drugs included. Life can be quite messy though, and more and more things were blocked, until i couldn’t feel anything at all. 

Luckily for me, life has a way of restoring harmony, and so i ended up in the hospital and basically almost died. As good as any wake up call i could ever imagine. So, I went looking for healing, and found it in the Journey method (Brandon Bays). A powerful tool that allowed me to feel through the pains i was pushing away, and reconnected me to the essence of my own being. It opened up my heart, shone a light in the darkness, and reminded me who i am. It showed me that the cycle of people hurting each other out of their own pain can be broken, that love is infinite, and harmony is possible!. Ever since, i’ve been on a path for healing. First myself, then the others that are awakening to their inner light, and then the whole earth, until all of us are radiating divine light. 

That’s a beautiful story.. 

The reality is that after 3 years, so much has been healed, yet so much has yet to heal. Somehow it is possible, to KNOW life, to KNOW yourself to be love and light, after experiencing it time and time again, yet completely forget it the next moment and be drawn into the mess we know as life, where i experience myself to be this young man looking for meaning, looking for love, looking for a place i belong and want to be. Somehow, as soon as one old hurt or ego pattern has been worked through, the next jumps up. It’s like a thousand headed hydra! It feels like i’m wandering in a fog with no clue where i’m going, with only the whispers of my heart to guide me. Is it to teach me to trust? In the perfection of the universe, in my own heart, in life itself? When i ask my heart, it tells me it’s an invitation to embrace life fully, to let go of the fears holding me back, of the need for comfort. To embrace all the painful feelings, and open deeper and deeper in the truth of my own being. To build up the strength, willpower and presence to live life to the fullest. To step into my power, my leadership. To serve the light as best i possibly can. 

It’s tricky.. Because how much of what my heart tells me, has been filtered through my ego? I want to see myself as this warrior of light. Healer of Hearts. Even my name, Ama-Don means Love-Giver (Giver of Love). I want to live in harmony. But why? Is it because i fear strive and pain? Am i running away from something? Turning a blind eye to all the pain in the world? I feel like i want to become one with the love in my heart, with God within, but why? Do i fear doing the wrong thing and (feeling like a) failure? It’s like this dance of push and pull, where i’m drawn into the light, but i push away the darkness, and when i do the light fades, and i choose to feel the darkness, and find inside it the light, where i then want to stay, and push away the darkness, which pushes away the light.. 

So.. I find myself stumbling through life, finding tiny crumbs of insights, learning to trust in the guidance and myself, while trying to manage the things struggling inside. Right now i’m trying to change my eating patterns; for as long as i can remember i have been eating away my feelings/emotions. Luckily i’m 1.95m and not able to get fat :’). I’ve been working on it the last 3 weeks, with mixed results, and will continue working on it until i’m eating for the wellbeing of my body, and not the need for comfort. 

If you’ve been reading this all the way until here, i thank and honor you for enduring my bullshit. Feel free to connect 🙂 

For we are always connected in love..
Amadon