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Here is who I am today.
Hello Everyone! My name is Arthur, and this a short story about where I am today.
I’ve always loved nature. And dreamed about Love.
Quite early in my life, the idea of building an eco-friendly place emerged, centered around self-sufficiency, music, and emancipation from the system.
At the same time, I’ve always been drawn to everything related to mysticism and spirituality. I need to experience the immensity and depth of life.
Along my journey, I discovered Anastasia’s books. At the same time, I met the mother of my children.
Discovering Anastasia resonated with everything that was already within me.
It was as if my most discreet intuitions, as if my most subtle dreams were finally resonating with something real.I was linving in a place surrounded by nature; I had time to live slowly and meditate during that period of my life. I was extremely connected to everything around me, to the Light, to the plants, to the trees, … And reading Anastasia enhanced all of this.
I had only one goal: to find a kin domain to achieve what was described in the books.
I want to point out that while I was both amazed by what Anastasia described, I sometimes felt a dissonance with certain parts of myself; I unconsciously pressured myself to match the book’s ideal.
However, Anastasia’s philosophy added to other spiritual thoughts that were shaping me at that time.
To explain where I am today in my life:
We went through something extremely difficult that I don’t want to describe here.We left an unhealthy environment, and in the same time, I found a plot of land to buy.
For me, despite a year of intense stress behind me, I had reached my goal: finally, a place to create what had always been my dream.
Finally a place to create an ecological space, in harmony with nature, to host art, but also a return to my roots, to old traditions, to independent living. And above all, the creation of my kin domain. The creation of this space of Love and Light.
I was truly motivated and full of hope. But it wasn’t enough.
Little by little, many unforeseen events sank me financially. The renovation was complicated.
Once again, I don’t want to spend hours lamenting. But it’s important to understand that I was quickly overwhelmed financially, physically, and psychologically.
I had to return to a traditional job. That was also difficult.
I wasn’t home much, and I started receiving criticism from my partner about the fact that I was working. For my part, it was’nt a joy to work outside the house, I just had no choice to pay the bills so we could continue living there.
After months, things eventually stabilized. Years after years, I managed to finish most of the work.
But we were far from what I had dreamed of as a space of Love.
I face up to the harsh reality of this physical world, of the hard life in the mountains. I was confronted with the constraints of materials, money, and always having to work alone.
I also realized that my partner and I didn’t really share the same vision of the dream. We didn’t have the same goals.Perhaps I had let myself get carried away in a dream, a fanstasy, without being present to the reality of this world.
Beyond my romantic relationship, my daily life was difficult. I was no longer happy.
And I realized.
I realized that I had been preventing myself from being myself for years. That I was responding to the injunction of being “a good person.” I wanted so much to be the good student of spirituality, I wanted so much to be the BEST of Anastasia recommandations, I had hidden all the parts of myself that didn’t correspond to it.
I had carved out a life and a personality for myself to try to be the best.
What is needed. What I MUST be.
But not what I really AM.
I was responding to the vibration of a perfect lifestyle, the one I considered to be the ultimate goal of happiness.
Forgetting that my own life was made to respond to my own vibration.
I am here to live my personnal experiences, not of others…
My life responds to who I am, and certainly not to a mask I wore all the time. I don’t even know if I’ve completely stepped out of that role today.But I decided to stop forcing myself to be who I wasn’t.
I accepted my failures. Accepted my weaknesses. Accepting that I wasn’t fulfilled in my romantic relationship. Accepting that my living space needed a change.Accepting that I didn’t feel fully loved or fully loved where I was. I accepted my human side. My imperfection in being this kind of New Age 2.0 prototype.
I accepted my imperfection. I accepted that I wouldn’t be able to perfectly reproduce what was recommended in the books. And that it was OK.
That Love meant stopping rejecting who I was now. Stopping constantly blaming myself for not being enough of this, or too much of that.
I accepted that I had to be myself, authentic, with the good and the bad, the yin and the yang, and no longer force myself to fulfill an idealized goal.
It was hard. And painful. After all these Hopes and being so close to my dream.
I felt so disappointed. And so abandoned.I felt abandoned by Life, by the Universe, so many times.
I wondered if Anastasia really existed. If all this was real and possible, or if it was just a children’s fable.
A beautiful inspiration sure, but wich guarantees that this is truly THE path to follow ?
I even wondered if God really existed; nor if he did exist, what difference did that really make?
I, who was once such a believer…
I have remained faithful to my values, to the desire to do good and respect my planet, but sometimes I no longer really know why I do all this. It’s as if my purpose, the one that once drove me, has disappeared. As if I lived today with the awareness that nothing truly exists beyond what we see. That the rest is merely an invention to reassure ourselves. An imaginary fairy world to escape the cruelty of our planet.
And yet… This feeling I once knew never leaves me.
This feeling that there is something greater, something magnificent above or even within us.
Yesterday I watched a documentary about Anastasia, and I cried.
If I must accept myself entirely as I am, with my “less perfect” parts, my “less beautiful” and sometimes darker parts. If I am disappointed and today come to doubt the existence of Anastasia, the Kin Domain, or God himself… If I sometimes wonder what the real purpose of my life, of this existence, is…
I cannot renounce spirituality.
This deep part of my being. Who also need to be connected to this Universe.
And I have to admit that I still unconsciously dreamed of creating this kin domain, of accomplishing something greater. I need this connection to daily Life, to Love.And if a disappointed, embittered, bitter part of me still laughs when I talk about Soul Mates, the Divine, subtle worlds, and Love… I think a part of me still believes in it. Rightly or wrongly. But I still need this contact, and I accept it too. At least, I try.
That’s why I’m here today.
To try to reconnect with this part of me that’s missing.
Thank you for reading.
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2 Replies
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Wow, Arthur. I resonate with this deeply. I, too, tend to be a perfectionist and tend to battle between who I want to be and think I should be, versus who I am in current limitations. Oof. There’s so much power in being authentically and unabashedly you. Now matter how “misaligned” that may be.
In this technocratic world, when we are born, I believe a fracture within the self occurs. You have needs that were originally met thoroughly by the world that God created… But in the world that exists today, if you ask for your needs, not only do you not get them met, but you get punished for asking. So you have your true self and your adaptive self that will do anything it has to do to survive. This adaptive self survives through coping mechanisms… whether it’s through narcissism, addictions, or seemingly unsolvable behavioral patterns. But they are perfectly natural responses to a totally unnatural environment and circumstance. It is inescapable and it exists within every single person. But so does the God particle. My prayer lately has been to see beyond the beast and into the Man… in us ALL. Anastasia could simply ignore the false self that is driven by instinct, and speak directly to a person’s soul. But I’m not Anastasia. She even professes that she was born in God’s cradle. I still have my own shadow and detrimental patterns and I get triggered as fuck at the drop of a hat because I am absolutely loaded with trauma. We all are.
It’s a dichotomy. A balancing act. Holding a bright vision of the future, while also being present and immersing oneself unconditionally and utterly in the present moment, which is far less than perfect.
I really appreciate your vulnerability and honesty here. I didn’t know I needed to read this, but I did. Thank you. You aren’t alone. Remember, you are a micro of the macro. I think we are all experiencing this on some level, in a big way. Don’t beat yourself up too much because you’re literally carrying around billions of years of your ancestors’ trauma. But also their love and their power! The fact that you’re here despite ALL THE ODDS… is NOTHING SHORT of a miracle. People are waking up. It’s all a part of the process. We are already on the way. It’s just going to take time. Don’t lose heart!
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Interesting post to read today. And an interesting response, Carla
I’m gonna echo a few things that Carla said, and then give some of my thoughts:
“In this technocratic world, when we are born, I believe a fracture within the self occurs” – I think so too, especially given how most of us come into the world nowadays
…”adaptive selves” and “seemingly unsolvable behavioural patterns” – indeed, there’s a lot more going on for us than even modern psychology can understand
“I didn’t know I needed to read this, but I did” and “You’re not alone” – that makes 3 of us already +/- in the same boat.
Arthur, it sounds like you’ve tried your best to live the image, following what’s set out and it didn’t work. Remember in book 2, when Vladimir thinks about suicide and wonders: “why didn’t it work out, the goals were simple – establish the association of pure-minded entrepreneurs and write the books”. But then he realises he got the order wrong. Maybe we, too, are missing some parts to make it easier for us. In my case, I am wondering about “create a space of love and find your soulmate” might be in the wrong order.
The doubts about her existence and the authenticity of the books – are they not the dark forces’ ploy to distract us from it? When I doubt, I remind myself: surely, such complex books with such amazing revelations and information could not have been conceived by an ordinary entrepreneur – it’s far more plausible that it is all real. And far less depressing, as a worldview, in my opinion.
Also, the idea about our true self and what we feel drawn to – how can we know? If we follow what Anastasia said, we know when we feel it in our heart. But there are so many images competing for our attention and trying to lead us astray in the modern world. They are fighting over us and we get confused feelings. Remember how Anastasia talks about people being driven by a desire to feel what we felt in the beginning on Earth and we have endless mechanisms and paths to try to get there? Doubts creep in and make us think we’ll achieve it by this path or that. The fact that we are on this website would suggest we’ve realised that what Anastasia recommends will make it easier for us. I go by the principle of ignorance in this – given my corrupted thinking (trauma, society influence, media, etc.), I cannot trust myself to “know better” than what’s set out in the books. Yes, there may be mistranslations, inaccuracies etc and Anastasia doesn’t know EVERYTHING, but what she recommends is much better than what we could come up with. It would be nice to one day reach a level when we might understand the whys and whats of many of the ideas, but for now we are fumbling in the dark, following the sound of the music that’s calling us home, trying to hear it distinctly and not listen to the noise of the technocratic world as it tries to jam the signal.
So, if you’re having trouble hearing the music, try reading the books again in a calm place
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